


seamless tomorrow, endless today

by polterguy



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Erased AU, Gen, Self Harm, Suicide, Time Travel, also evans chubby in this fic deal with it cowards, as well as zoe, bar mitzvahs, kiiiinnndddaaa...?, like its a bit different but its got a similar concept, the murphys all just need a gd hug and some therapy, this fic is from evans pov but its really About connor and giving connor a better childhood
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-20
Updated: 2018-05-20
Packaged: 2019-05-09 05:20:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14709869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/polterguy/pseuds/polterguy
Summary: Evan Hansen knows he’s not dying anytime soon.He’s tested that.When everything goes wrong, Evan gives it one more shot. He ends up giving someone else another shot, too.





	seamless tomorrow, endless today

**Author's Note:**

> serious warning for graphic descriptions of self-harm, car accidents, overdosing, and suicide. do not read if these things upset you, please.

Evan has a secret. Not by choice. It’s more like nobody would believe him if he told.

He’s known since forever that there were several things that made him different from all the other kids.

His anxiety, his height, his weight -

 

More importantly, his power. Evan has a power.

 

It’s hard to explain.

 

When Evan was five, a car slammed into him and crushed his spine.

He woke up, unscathed, standing on the sidewalk, holding his mom’s hand, and decided it was a sign from God to always look both ways.

 

When he was fourteen, he ran a razor across his wrists the long way, the way that he read on the internet makes it difficult for the doctors to save you. He climbed into the bathtub, smearing blood on the floor and the curtains, and let himself bleed out into warm water.

 

He woke up, clean and dry and fully clothed, and walked shakily to bed.

It had turned out that he had traveled back a whole week.

 

The summer of his seventeenth year, Evan let himself fall out of a tree, but that’s a story for another time.

 

Now, Evan is sitting on his bed with a bottle of Ativan in one hand and a glass of water in the other. He puts two pills on his tongue, takes a sip of water, and swallows. He quickly repeats the action with two more, and two more, then three more, then back to two-at-a-time because three is just excessive. His hands are shaking but they get the job done. His vision blurs with tears, but he keeps going, knowing he can’t chicken out now. He keeps going until the bottle is empty. Then, he waits.

 

Hopefully, hopefully, he’s getting another chance.

He ponders this for a while.

 

Damn, it’s taking longer than he thought it would.

He knows taking this many pills is lethal, but for a second he considers that maybe this isn’t enough, that maybe he’ll have to do something else.

 

He waits.

 

A few minutes later and everything feels wrong, he wants to throw up, and he can’t stop himself from hacking and spitting up on the floor. His stomach feels tight and sharp, his lungs feel heavy. Every muscle hurts and his throat burns like hell. He feels himself start to stiffen up and slip away into the soft darkness forming around the corners of his eyes. He hopes, for a second, that this’ll be the end.

He knows that it won’t be.

 

______

 

Evan, of course, wakes up.

He groans and slowly opens his eyes.

 

The first thing he notices is that he no longer has a cast on his left arm.

The next thing he notices is that said arm is... kinda small. Or at least smaller. Than normal. So is the other arm. Evan feels like maybe all of him is smaller. (Well, hopefully. It’d be weird if just his arms were small.) He gets up and stumbles over to the mirror.

 

“...Shit,” A voice cracks.

 

Staring back at him is a pre-pubescent boy, pudgy and wearing an oversized Minecraft tee-shirt. Small pimples dot his face, over-shadowing his freckles. He rakes his hands through his dirty blonde hair, only to find it heinously greasy.

He shudders and runs to the bathroom to shower.

 

The number one thing he notices while showering is that his arms and legs are clean. As in, cut-free clean. Not even the faintest of scars show on his wrists or thighs or anywhere else, and it leaves Evan conflicted.

Taking extra time to condition his hair, he finds himself staring at the razor by the shower a little too long.

He ignores it and gets out of the shower.

Looking at himself in the mirror, he decides to actually use the acne medication that his mom bought him.

 

He decides, with all his evidence, that he is twelve-or-thirteen-years-old now.

The question is; Why?

He was expecting one of two things: Either to wake up on the first day of Junior year again, get the chance to be nice to Connor, or at least to not lie to the Murphys. That, or wake up right before he told the truth. Get the chance to keep lying. See how far it could take him.

 

Either way, this is not what he was expecting. This was seventh-grade Evan. What the fuck even happens in seventh grade? What could he possibly have to change, to fix, about beingthirteen? (Other than the sudden onset of depression. And terrible fashion choices.)

 

He checks his off-brand cell phone, the old model he found on his bedside table. It’s seven-forty in the morning.

 

It’s about the time a certain bus would be leaving.

 

Shit.

 

Evan, in a panic, throws on a shirt, a hoodie, and jeans. He notes that it’s weird to not have any of his new clothes. His old wardrobe is 90% hideous. He’s assembled the most tolerable outfit possible.

As he’s hurriedly pulling on his socks, the door cracks open. Evan jumps slightly, turning his head to see who could be there.

It’s his mom.

Although he has only gone back about 4 years, she looks about a decade younger. Maybe not in the physical sense, but some vibe about her is changed. Her eyes are brighter. (Or rather, were brighter, back then.)

 

Either way, now she’s talking.

“Are you ready to go, honey?”

Evan nods quickly, saying, “Yeah, I’m about to run to the bus, I just need to-“

“The bus?” She interrupts. “I’m driving you today. Remember?”

Evan looks at her blankly. “Don’t you... have work?”

“Hon, no. I’m taking the day off. It’s your birthday, after all!” She’s all smiles. “And a big one, too!”

Wait, birthday? Evan takes this to mean that he is now, officially, thirteen years old.

He smiles and nods. “Yeah!” he exclaims with a forced enthusiasm.

“Everything alright, sweetheart?” Heidi tilts her head to the side sympathetically.

“No, y-yeah I’m fine, mom,” he stutters out quickly, standing all the way up and walking past her, out of his bedroom. “I’m just worried we’ll be late.”

 

He pads downstairs and grabs shoes, his school ID badge lanyard, and his backpack. It has the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on it. He stifles a laugh at his own past self.

Slipping on his shoes, he can hear his mom come down the stairs after him.

“Honey! We’re not gonna be late! Doesn’t school not start until nine? It’s only almost eight. We can eat breakfast.”

“Uh... not hungry,” Evan replies quietly, pulling his backpack on and putting the lanyard around his neck.

He doesn’t know why he’s so urgent to get to school early. Maybe he feels like something will change if he goes.

He remembers now, he didn’t go to school on his thirteenth birthday last time around. Heidi had let him stay home after he complained that it was technically his bar mitzvah, and bar mitzvah boys shouldn’t have to go to school. (It was funny though, because no part of an Actual Bar Mitzvah happened, for a few different reasons.)

 

So, so, so. He’s thinking, if he goes this time around, something will change.

That’s his favorite part of his power, seeing if he can make a change.

For Evan Hansen, life often feels static, like there is nothing he can do to make it move and feel right. So, when he dies - and his deaths are far-between - he makes the most of it. Sees if there’s anything at all that he can do.

Even if it’s just petting a stray cat or dog, even if it’s saying hello to someone popular or making an effort to get along with Jared.

 

Sitting in the car with his mom, he’s still thinking about two things: What he will change today, and Jared.

The thing about Jared is that he’s a little bit of a jerk, but he’s really all Evan’s got.

He remembers Jared being the only one who came to his party the last time.

Maybe that’s something he’s going to change.

 

———

The ride is quiet, besides a few remarks that Heidi makes about being proud of him, and about how she knows today won't be like a real Bar Mitzvah, but how she's trying her best. And Evan feels bad. 

He's relieved when the car ride ends, for once. He's never been so calmed looking at the middle school building.

“Bye, love you! Have a good day at school!” Heidi shouts after Evan as he exits the car and makes his way towards the school building.

“Love you, too,” Evan waves back before running inside.

 

Already waiting there for him is Jared, who seemingly has been hanging out by the doors of the school for Evan to enter. (Of course, Jared would deny that furiously if he were ever asked about it.)

Thirteen-year-old Jared is not unlike seventeen-year-old Jared. He has an over-confident stance, glasses barely hiding the deep bags under his eyes, and that stupidly adorable tooth gap that shows when he grins.

 

“Happy birthday, nerd!” Jared pats Evan on the back. Evan laughs to himself at how high Small Jared’s voice is, before quietly saying thank you.

“You are now, officially, a man. You’re also responsible for all your own sins now, so don’t do anything stupid,” Jared continues.

Evan nods seriously.

Jared is saying something else now, but Evan is no longer listening, because out of the corner if his eye he spots something out of the corner of his eye, - or rather, someone, - making their way down the hallway towards the classes.

“I-I’ll see you in class, Jared. I’ve got to go check something out.”

“Wh-“ Jared starts, but Evan is already on his way.

 

The figure going down the hallway is a young Connor Murphy, unsurprisingly. A few feet in front of him is Zoe, obviously attempting to distance herself from him. Evan honestly doesn’t blame her. Connor is wearing a My Chemical Romance hoodie and skinny jeans.

The two couldn’t be more different-looking. Small Zoe dresses like a total prep.

 

Evan bumps through the crowd towards Connor, who, despite being years younger, is as tall and gangly as ever.

He walks with an urgency, faster than most of the rest of the kids in the crowds, although that may just be because his legs are so long.

 

When Evan catches up, he realizes that he has no idea what he’s going to say.

“Hi,” he says.

Connor doesn’t turn around at first, but when Evan says it again, he does.

“...Hey?” Connor says it like a question.

Evan really, really doesn’t know what he’s doing.

“Hi,” Evan says again. “Y-you’re Connor, right?”

“Yes?” Once again, it comes as a question, rather than an answer.

“Well, I’m Evan. Evan Hansen.”

“Okay,” Connor says, finally meeting his eyes. “And?”

“A-and, nothing. I just wanted to say hi.”

Connor sighs. “This is one of Jared’s pranks, right? Well, you can tell him to fuck off and leave me alone.” He’s taken on a rather stern tone and facial expression.He walks faster.

Evan walks faster too, trying to keep up.

“No,” Evan says, “It’s not. I just wanted to talk to you and-“

“Look, I’ve got to get to class. If you want to talk to me, you can come to the library during lunch. Bye.”

And with that, Connor slips back into the crowd.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading so far! i hope u can bring you the next chapter soon!
> 
> you can message me at my tumblr, localhaunting


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